“…thought of changin my name! Got down hearted…” ok, I’m done. I have not written in FOREVER! I removed my last post after some complaints, then I was too upset to write for a while, then I felt ashamed for not writing, ashamed for not meeting any of my June goals and ashamed for eating chocolate and drinking beer almost every day this week. I feel ashamed for not sleeping enough, not eating well, not working out. I am in a slump! I feel unmotivated, but also super dissatisfied. I simultaneously want to be the best at the life I have, but also trade in this life for a different one.
How do you deal with shame and dissatisfaction? I usually write lists, I start trying harder, I clean my house, I watch more tv and try to stop thinking. I also wrestle with my own reasons for feeling shame or guilt. Why is it hard to accept me for me in these moments? Why do I need to believe the Instagram version of me? Ever notice I don’t post my chicken McNuggets and iced coffees on instagram? Ever notice I don’t post my excellent nights of binge eating and watching Netflix until 2am? I post my sneakers after a run, I post my homemade food, I post my kids roasting marshmallows, but I never think to post that moment where we are screaming at each other about not being allowed to eat iced cream for breakfast.
I am running out of steam guys. I can’t do it all. I hate that!!! I can’t guarantee my kids are always going to be safe and healthy no matter what, I can’t guarantee they grow up into civilized humans, I cannot control the weather, other people or even my own emotions. I HATE that! But I also prefer not controlling the world, I’d suck at it.
Now I’m tired, my hands hurt and I think I shall cut this short.
Oh the shame. Let it go…