Category Archives: Life

“Just Passed July” and “Oops It’s August!”

Well well well.  Here we go. Ever felt like life has rushed past your door, your window and is fully on the next block before you can take a breath and notice it? That is my Summer. Every year I say I will slow it down. Every year it speeds up. Every year I swear I will plan less and play more, every year I plan more and more and play less and less. Every year I promise all of my friends, their kids, myself, and my kids that we will have numerous play dates, BBQ’s and swimming adventures. Every year we miss at least 90% of the opportunities. Each year we hit September and I realize Summer is gone. I have to take a minute to recall where it went. It went on the wind, to camps, and beach days, to work and rest, to parties and roadtrips.  It slipped into the nooks of bedtimes and late rises; it weaved into haircuts, photographs and paintings. Summer slid into our dreams and late night reading, our movie nights and music. It weaved a sweet lulla-bye of long nights and sun-soaked mornings, lulling us into a sense of everlasting Summer that is as solid as a soft ice cream cone on a July afternoon.  It ends with a cool breeze and a school bell ringing loudly in our ears. Bam. Summer over.
Now, don’t get me wrong, my summer is ever wonderfully full in the best ways, I don’t resent it. It is the problem of it disappearing without a moment’s notice, that I resent.  I resent not being able to hold my children tighter, for longer, as they are small. Each Summer that slips past me is one Summer closer to them being gone. Each September brings another grade closer to graduation, to growing up. My Summers with my boys are priceless, they are my full days of knowing them, of seeing them, of being with them for more than the morning rush and evening wind down, the times I can fully experience them. I long to keep them home all year, alas I am not financially able at this time.

Nights like tonight, when I have soothed tears, disciplined behaviours, exasperatedly berated them for poor choices and mean words, and then kissed them on the head and smoothed the ruffled feathers of the day. I smell their hair, and squeeze them tight, knowing that even though these days are hard and long, they pass too quickly and will soon only be wisps of memory. I hope my efforts have helped form the future men my children will be for the better and not the worse. I reflect back on each word, phrase, attitude and tone of voice I used, trying to search out any bits that were wrong, insensitive or damaging. I seek my own memory bank for the gems of the day I want to keep forever. I breathe out the bad stuff I collected. My frustrations, out. My angst, out. My shame, out. My guilt, out. I breathe in the good. My kid’s laugh, in. My excitement over the next steps in life, in. Peace, in. Love, in. Kindness, in.  then I go to bed and let it all marinate.

Part of my goals for this Summer were to go to bed on time, not snack at night, read more and visit a National park. I’m accomplishing everything except the park. I will be up North for September, so hope to do the park then if not before.
So far I have read three books: “To Kill a Mockingbird”, “One Day We’ll All Be Dead And None Of This Will Matter”, and I just finished “The Night Stages”. All amazing books that are completely different. I am loving this journey! I have missed reading.
I have also been trying to get to the gym three days a week, only accomplished two last week, haven’t gone yet this week due to a stupid sinus infection, and because it is Celtic week in Goderich, if you live here you know the significance of that. My kids are LOVING the kids Celtic Day Camp, and I’m dreaming of how one day I will be able to attend the adult college. There are some amazing free concerts on the Square every weeknight and so far I have seen zero, partially because I am a mother, and partially due to this damn sinus infection making me feel like CRAP. I hate my weak breathing apparatuses.

I have missed writing, I like it. September’s challenge is to write every day and to cook one Harry Potter recipe a day to lead up to the fantastic Wizarding festival coming to out area in October! So You’ll hear and see more from me then.
Enjoy your Summer. It will slip out the window if you don’t watch it carefully, well, even if you do I guess. That’s the kicker right there.

Cheers!

Court

Few and Far Between

Life. It takes over and gets busy. You start out the year with vim and vigor, fresh determination to stay on target and then you make little choices that let all the other things take precedence.  I have been missing larger and larger chunks of writing my blog. I have not fully completed my last three months of challenges or had very strict guidelines. Life and daily choices have led to my negligence and lack of diligent writing.
This month’s challenge is running and so far I have been doing a pretty sad job of being consistent. My last one was last Monday, a week ago. Tonight I chose to watch tv and snack instead of running.  My legs were hurting quite a bit last week and I let that be my excuse, today was that I was tired. There is always an excuse to give yourself for why you CAN’T or SHOULDN’T do something. I should know, I’m a specialist on the matter. What’s more difficult is giving yourself the counter reason as to why you SHOULD and CAN. It is very easy for me to look at how my other friends on STRAVA and social media are doing with fitness goals, and feel discouraged at my slower pace and progress. Today I read a wonderful post by a friend whom I see as being a very big inspiration, dedicated to health and bettering himself and those around him while learning from all life. He expressed his similar struggle with these feelings of negativity towards himself when others have better times or performance. Instead of allowing that negativity to rule him he has chosen to be inspired and driven harder to his goals by their success. Rising above our own self doubt and ego, taking inspiration from those around us and using it to bolster us to new heights. I took inspiration from him and feel bolstered myself.
I have decided that I need to have a reachable goal and a steady pace. My goal is to be able to run 5K without stopping by April 30th. I am not a fantastic runner, I am naturally slow and steady, not quick and speedy. That often leaves me feeling lacking, but I take on my own challenge and will work harder these next two weeks.

This month has been full of preparation, for birthdays, Easter, and everyday occurrences. It’s been busy and full. I have been learning about myself again. I hate those times, and know they are imperative for my development. I mean, I’d rather just go on believing my own story of me and not have to learn new bits about how others see me or about truth in the minds and hearts of those surrounding me. It is just so much easier to only consider my own truth and care little for other’s truth. Easy, but not always profitable to the soul. Sometimes it is time to dig into your own truth and find it, hold onto it and stand firm, and sometimes it is good to hear out another’s. This week was very much about that hearing it out bit. I hated it, it was uncomfortable and made me feel hurt and mad. Coming out on this side and learning more about my own predilection to only hearing my own truth, I find this hurt to be beneficial.

Our own health, wellness, families, relationships, careers and marriages take a lot of constant work, re-evaluation, time, thought and patience. You sometimes have to work at the same problem over and over until you solve it by refining your method so you can adequately explain it to your own self. Life is a constant learning curve. If you continue to approach the same old problem with the same old method of solving it after you have failed for years, you will find yourself static and stunted in life. When you learn from your faults, mistakes and failures you can then grow and change and see your life move on in success and ability. Only through humility to admit our own misjudgments can we truly become great. I hate learning that lesson, every time I have to do it!

Well, here’s to running, learning, humbling, and growth!

Cheers!

Court

Friendship is More Important than Capons Olibia!

Well Hello April! You came in nice and warm! What a lovely day. I spent most of this beautiful day helping to take down our set for “The Odd Couple (the Female Version)” and cleaning the Livery. What a fun play this was to perform and prepare for. Thank you to my castmates, crew, and director. This was an absolutely fabulous experience!  If you didn’t make it to see our play, I’ll let you know that it is a play about friends, hormones, differences, and capons.
My above title is a line taken from the play. It is said to one of the main characters after she has cast her friend from her apartment in a fit of anger over their differences. This line is funny as Hell to me because it doesn’t make any sense out of context. Neither do most friendships, I find. Often you look at a group of friends, and, if you don’t know them all well, you may wonder what this group of misfits could ever find in common. That is what my theatre family is, a group of fabulous misfits.  Friends of fortune, fate, and free spirited freakdom. I love my theatre people. It’s the first group I felt truly embraced by as a young adult. I have many different groups of friends, many wonderful friendships, and all of them have that lovely quality of solidarity, our inner freaky people finding each other.  Yes, friendships are definitely more important than capons.
I have, in my time of growing and learning, mangled a few good friendships, some have survived and some have not.  Caring for a friendship is not easy, it takes time, well chosen words, an ability to resolve conflict and a bit of pressure in the right places.  I have been a bad friend, I have had friends who have not been the best, and friendships that have simply faded into acquaintances.
During the run of our play I have enjoyed sharing the stage with friends, and making new ones. You develop a very special type of bond when you share a stage with a cast, especially a small one like ours. I was able to share the stage with five of my good friends, and two lovely women whom I did not know well before, I now count them among my theatre family and very dear friends. Our time together over the last four months crafting and performing this fun piece was wonderful. I cherish you all.
Friendship is more important than capons, coupons, small mindedness, trivial quarrels and wanton desires. Our hurts can sometimes seem larger than a friendship, and indeed, they sometimes are. Other times our hurts and sore feelings can eventually draw our friends to a deeper place of understanding. Our hearts must be open to recompense, reconciliation, and a bit of  compromise in those times. Sometimes we must know when to walk away, when to say “I am unable to bear this”, walk away and move forward. Those moments can be the very making of a person, but feel as the breaking would. Our hearts may not bear it as easily as our minds would have us do. I have reached these moments, and they are the very worst hurt, but also seem to bring the most healing in the end. Forgiveness is important, sometimes in order to forgive we must first remove ourselves from the source of the pain.
The joy of friends is that there are always new ones to make and old ones to lean on. Our journey of life has those who walk along with us coming and going, those who stay by our sides, and those who are meant to be at our sides for a time and then split off onto the rest of their journey not to be seen again until we both reach our destination.  You don’t know which of these voyagers are the lifelong ones and which are here for only a time. That is the part I find most trying, not always understanding why some friends are not still on the same journey. I always want to keep everyone close, however I am learning that such a life would not allow for growth or enlightening, you can only be close to so many friends at a time, so there must be movement in the ranks to broaden your horizons.
Friendship is definitely a salt of the earth. And some salt is too strong, some not strong enough. We season our lives heavily, and sparingly along our way depending on our needs and our place in life. My heart is full and I feel my life to be well seasoned presently, I am blessed.

Friends of the grandest scale.

Now onto the challenge. Over March I lost the blogging thread but I did dispose of over ten bags, and stored eight and six pieces of furniture in the basement for a yard sale in May. I am still working on sorting the toy room. It takes ages!!
Today I began April’s Running challenge. I did an interval training run style and rand for one minute, walked for two, then ran for 30 seconds and walked for two minutes again. I repeated that seven times. I felt much better by the end of the run. I drank a shake and since then have not eaten. So proud of not night snacking!!

Thank you Cara for your inspiration this weekend, clean eating and exercise are back baby!

Well here we go again! Giver hog!

Cheers!!

Court

 

Try to Find a Coffee Table

How to buy a coffee table 101:
1. Locate thrift shops that sell furniture
2. Run around to all said shops on a Friday afternoon, finding two closed
3. Find nothing
4. Try try again
5. Head back to stores to double check
6. Visit shops closed previously
7. Find many tables that are older and ugly for over $20 a piece
8. Post complaining, whiny post on Facebook
9. Re-check facebook for every notification ding to relish in other people’s disgruntled agreement.
10. Visit thrift store without furniture, but with %50 off.
11. Purchase suitcase, stool, tray and bag for under $20
12. Resolve to create table
13. Visit Walmart.
14. Find small storage basket table on sale.
15. Purchase for under $20
16. Feel accomplished

Why on earth is it so hard to buy second hand furniture ad thrift shops!!? I could not believe how expensive this beat up, ugly furniture was. These items are given to these stores for free to bring money to charity. I like to buy second hand furniture to keep it out of landfills, find something interesting, and to be less wasteful and more creative. I also like to not spend hundreds of dollars. I look in the humble places. I cannot get over how high they are now pricing very common, and unassuming items. Those two tiered coffee tables we all had in our homes as small children are filling up these shops and being sold for $15 to $25! I almost screamed. There was a stained, ugly, ripped lazy boy they were selling for $50!
I left the shops today and vowed to open up a thrift shop where we just bring in everything and sell it all for super cheap unless there is inherent true value. I would just sell sell sell. Gah!! Maddening.

Rant over!

We had a quick Italian run of our lines this evening for the Odd Couple tonight. It was fabulous. I am excited to get back into it Thursday. What a cast. We have such a good time.

Now I’m going to post a bunch of photos and catch you up on things.


Food has not been at the top of the priority list lately, but these last few days I have spent some time making good food. So nice to be able to do that! I also made butter and roasted a chicken and potatoes last night. Yummy!


Theatre life is so fun. Crazy, hectic, tiring, but absolutely fun! I love my Odd Broads!!

Here the boys are recreating their reaction to receiving the book so I could send the pic to the author. Thank you Ms. MacArthur and Theresa!! Mail is very exciting, especially when it contained these gorgeous books.

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Leaving you with this pic of my very picky eater enjoying a spring roll after a very long visit to our new sushi place. A miracle!!

Tomorrow I continue on my quest of vanquishing the laundry monster as well as figuring out my new tables and rearranging and discarding things in my livingroom. I’m very excited to get this going! I dropped two big bags off at goodwill today, more to come!

 

Cheers!

Court

Priorities and making choices

Oh Hello!
I’ve been a very lazy blogger. I am so sorry. Mostly for me. Just kidding. I have now started two blog posts and never finished. They keep popping up in my drafts folder going “Finish meeeeeee!!” Well, I’m not listening to them. I am starting afresh.

My priorities have not been blogging and house cleaning these past weeks. They have been acting and drinking with actors. May I add: the Whole 30 lifestyle has gone completely out the window. When I’m not out with my theatre peeps, I am focusing on my kids, and the Hubs who feel a bit neglected.  Poor blog is also very neglected.

Today was a wonderful break from being places. Boy#2 and I hung at home and visited a friend, and hung at home and made tortierre, butter, and crockpot veggie curry. Tomorrow I hope to tackle the laundry monster in my bedroom.

While I was preoccupied and priority compromised, I had several topics pop up in my brain that I wanted to write about. Mostly pertaining to equality, inclusion, grieving loss, celebrating life, performing on the grandest stage, and being mom and friend and professional all at once.

Let’s start with equality and inclusion. Last week our town council made a decision against a rainbow crosswalk in our downtown centre. It was a very controversial decision, it was not a decision made lightly by most. It was not a decision I was on board with. I, personally, was on the side of the crosswalk to promote inclusion and a feeling of community acceptance for our LGBTQ community and all humans who may feel on the outside. Talking with others who voted against the crosswalk, or who agreed with the decision to vote against it, has brought up some interesting thoughts and a few heated words.  Now that the dust has settled and I’ve had time to think about how this has ended, I feel it may actually work out better. Now people have thought about it. We as a community have recognized the need for inclusion, for speaking out and showing our rainbow. people have been chalking rainbows, wearing them and posting them. The town is going to be flying the PRIDE flag and, I’ve been told, banners will also be hung. I am hoping to see our community rally for inclusion for all demographics and special interest groups, that we can become a safer place to be who you are. Chalk a rainbow, fly a flag, wear a skirt, or pants or whatever you feel like you in.  In an ideal life I’d love to see this idea that my friend had come to life. She thought that the town may find a way to allow each special interest group to “Adopt a Crosswalk” and maintain it all Summer to promote inclusion and mindfulness. They would pay to maintain and clean it, then to clear it off for Winter. Then we could have rainbow crosswalks, Autism awareness puzzle pieces, poppies for veterans, ribbons for cancer, maybe something for refugees and religious groups supporting love and inclusion. Another friend suggested that as the crosswalks get looked after the ones crossing from the outside to the inside of the Square could be moved to the other side of the street. It would allow traffic coming onto the square to turn right while the traffic is stopped for pedestrians.  I don’t know how many times I’ve been almost run over trying to cross at those crosswalks. These are all great thoughts, and this is when I see why what seems to be a negative decision can birth great things.  If you were for an inclusion based symbol being painted into our town, think about what you can do to be more inclusive and support the spirit here.  If you were against such a symbol, please think about how to show love through adversity and be inclusive in the ways that make our community better.

My three year old son loves pink, skirts, Dora, Minnie mouse, Mario, choo choo trains and kicking a ball.  Last week we were at the school for popcorn day. It’s a day he looks forward to every month. Spending time with our friends, making popcorn, and visiting the school he will be attending in the fall, are some of his favourite things.  Last week he wore butterfly leggings and a blue sparkly shirt to the school. He was asked twice by girls why he was wearing girl clothes. Not a single boy who watched him play on his DS or asked him what his name was, pointed out his clothing choice. The girls did. They were not being mean, they were not trying to make him feel bad, they were just pointing out a discrepancy in normal. What did bother me was my little, innocent three year old being taunted a bit and called a “GOY” by a child the same age as my older son. Again, she did not mean to be bullying, or intentionally degrading to my little guy, but she was not quiet in pointing out his difference loudly and with some joy at her discovery.  This may have something to do with why I am a loud advocate for inclusion and informing, breaking gender barriers and not tying people into a label because it comforts our need for lines and names.  I asked this young lady if she would like to be called a goy. She said no. I contacted her mother, who was lovely and understanding and said they’d have a chat about inclusion. I was so happy to have such a nice response. My initial intent was only to let her know what I had said to her child so she would know how the interaction went. To receive such an open and kind response was wonderful. I hope Boy#2 can find this open mindedness and kindness as he begins his schooling. It terrifies me what he could be facing.

Last week was also World Down Syndrome Awareness day. A day to celebrate beautiful people and families. A day to wear awesome socks and embrace the beautiful. I watched the videos and commented on the photos and smiled at the beautiful children and adults living lives full, informing the less informed about what Down Syndrome means. I love days like that. I also feel like a hyprocrite sometimes. Wearing the socks and sharing the videos and not really advocating in any true form. Am I just doing all this for the likes? For the social media kudos? Or do I really mean it? That’s where I’m left with most of these things.

Last week I received a beautiful gift. It arrived for my children from a friend of Colleen’s.  Theresa gave my address to Henriette, who has read my blog and thought my boys may benefit from her book, and she sent them a book each. A book about a caterpillar turning into a butterfly and the caterpillars she leaves behind. I cried and read the books to them. They loved them. They hugged them, and we spoke about Colleen and how she has flown higher than we know.  I feel her all around me still. I know she was clapping for us on the stagethe other night.

Those are my thoughts. There are many more, but that’s what you get. pictures to follow, maybe tomorrow if I make time;)

Cheers!

Court

Waste Not Want Not/ Let’s Talk About Sex Bay-By

OOOOH!! Got your attention didn’t I!!!? Ha! Pervert. Well, so am I, so there. After my last post I thought I better step it up. Just kidding! No, actually I was at Bible Study yesterday and the topic was Sensuality. It brought up a lot of discussion and was quite good.
So far I’ve written about marriage, mental illness, struggles with food, excess, self-discipline and being overwhelmed, why not talk about sex? Mostly because I worry it may be too much for hubs to take. I share a lot already! I am going to make a declaration right now: anything I write here is my own thought or opinion, and my husband is awesome.
Sex. Love making. Getting down and dirty. Scratching the itch. Intimacy, whatever you call it; it’s fun, messy, scary, wonderful, and everywhere (like EVERYWHERE! Billboards, T.V. internet, pinterest). Sex can also lead to a lot of confusion, disillusionment, and frustration in a relationship. It definitely has in mine.
Growing up saving sex until marriage I got a bit hung up on it. In my mind getting married meant I got to have sex whenever I wanted! WAHOO! I read tantra, I read Kamasuthra, I read books about every sex position and issue. I was prepared, until I wasn’t. Then I was in a relationship where it wasn’t textbook. Say what you will, we all bring our own life and family experiences into marriage, and bed.  My life experience, and everything I read and watched, told me that in marriage men always want it and women rarely do. HA!! Well that pack of lies is what I believed. This left no room for my own sensuality, nor for my hub’s. Now I know better. Sometimes I run hot, sometimes I run cold. Same goes for him.
This supposition of mine as a young woman also left me thinking that it was the man who always initiated and pursued sex. I will be the first to admit that I have no idea how to initiate or really pursue. I always thought if I put on some lingerie and makeup, shaved my legs and brushed my teeth, he’d just jump me. Nope.  Sometimes it takes more pursuit, and I am lazy. Pursuing is hard work. I suck at it.
Sex is confusing. Trying to navigate each other’s libido, stamina, interest. Feeling sexy when they don’t, feeling completely un-sexy when they are turned on. I have only ever had one partner to figure out, so maybe I’m lucky, or naive, or inexperienced, but even in the almost 11 years of our marriage, I still often feel lost or unsure.
These are many of the things we discussed in Bible Study, along with the fact that embracing our sensuality means embracing our senses. Letting our skin be exposed to the earth, sky, wind and water is important to our growth and rooting as human beings. I love this kind of thing, some of my study companions are not so into it. I’m crunchy, I embrace it. I talked about feeling rooted in the energy of the earth, and then I brought up the vibrator you can buy that syncs with your phone so it vibrates with your music. I think I freaked most of them out. I’m a bit out there.
Sex. Messy, check. Complicated, check. Fantastic, check. I love sex. It’s awesome. Especially with a person who loves you and knows you and who you can tell “more to the left” without feeling awkward.
Our sex life has been a bit hit or miss since kids, and since getting a family bed…HA! That can get difficult in itself. When you do have an opportunity to get it on you are too tired, or too touched out, or a child comes and says “I have to pee”. Setting aside time for intimacy after kids is tough work. It takes forethought. Forethought that I don’t always have the energy to give!  Often we just pass like ships in the night, and only after months of not realizing I’m missing him do I make an effort to find time.  Life sometimes steals our joy and our sex.  Let’s take it back shall we?
I went out and bought lingerie this week, put it on last night, nothing. Well, fail. Back on the horse, try again later.  I need to stop giving up so easy, being more clear with my intentions, give myself, and him, a chance. A chance to let our marriage shape up in our intimacy department and be vulnerable in many more places. Intimacy is more than just sex, it’s time, breath, open communication, and space, those moments of space for feeling.

That’s enough about sex. It’s two a.m. and I’m bushed. Before I go I must share the “Waste Not Want Not” part. My zero waste update. Today I went shopping, tried to find packageless options, and forgot my containers again. Remembered my bags though! I started working on family cloth and face sponges today, as well as getting our new bidet ordered! (Thank you Stewart!)
Bulk Barn starts allowing containers in every store in Canada on the 23rd, so I am looking forward to making new bags for that and bringing them with my jars!
Here are some pics of the cloth for the family cloth:

Waste Not Want Not; works for cloth, food, time, and sex. Well, that’s it, that’s all. Goodnight lovelies! Let me know your thoughts about the blog in the comments and like this post for me.

Cheers

Court

Let’s Get Real! What Is Love?

Happy Valentine’s Day!! (Yesterday)  A day we celebrate “love”, or more accurately; romance, platitudes, flowers, candy, and materialistic shows of affection. I am usually all about these things. I love going out and showering my family in red and pink hearts, flowers and setting up lots of surprises. Yesterday I was ill all afternoon. Not a specific kind of ill, just off, tired and feeling like I was not well. I slept most of the afternoon. Hubs came home to bring me the car and found me curled up in bed. He took the boys to work with him for the last hour, went shopping for a gift, bought them food and had them all fed and pretty much ready for bed when he had to leave for Bible study and some more work. It was heavenly to be so well cared for and not have to worry about the kids or dinner. I felt so loved.
This morning I woke up expecting a worse day, day two of sickness is usually worse, but no! I felt off, but had energy enough to clean my house and focus on just getting stuff tidied. When I woke up I was greeted with a lovely card and potted rose bush!! I was so excited, and felt so bad that I had not made it out to purchase gifts for Hubs and the boys. This card and thoughtful gift made me feel so overcome with humility and love. My husband truly gave me a gift of true love without any expectation of return. Selfless love. This should be a big deal, and also maybe it should not be. I mean, aren’t marriages supposed to be all about unconditional love and giving each other love and intimacy without expectations of return? Ummm, in the movies and books maybe this seems fair. In real life we all enter into a relationship with some form of unrealistic expectation or misinformation.

Here comes the reality I promised you. If you had asked me around this time last year how my marriage was you would have been met with tears or laughter and a verbal diatribe of ranting about how marriage was a battleground. My husband and I were living separate lives and realities in the same house. I felt alone, he felt alone. We couldn’t connect. We were each unable to look past our own personal needs because we were both so hurt and emotionally poor. I hated my life. I cried myself to sleep often. It seemed any time we tried to talk openly we just fought and I felt more hurt and rejection. Last year in the Spring I came to Hubs with a desperate ultimatum: we needed to seek help or I needed to leave.  His response was to immediately agree to seek help, personally and as a couple.  I had begun therapy and counseling on my own prior to this and knew that we needed to get on a similar page. We found an amazing counselor. It was very slow going. Our lives had become so riddled with hurt and bitterness towards each other that we could barely have a conversation without it breaking into war. Our home was full of tension. We agreed on very little and talked about even less. Our counselor encouraged us to attempt to make time to sit and just talk for ten minutes a week. Take turns talking and listening. We failed. We couldn’t even complete this simple task. I was sure we were doomed.
Slowly, ever so slowly, with prayers from friends, heart searching, lots of crying out to God and friends, many hours of therapy, some pretty difficult fights and baby steps, we began to feel safer in each other’s presence. We began to be able to speak about tense subjects without blowing up, crying, or me running away or shutting down.  We still work every day on communication, making our real intentions and thoughts understood, and thinking about each other’s needs.
I am going to admit right here that I know my selfishness, unwillingness to change, lack of self discipline, and unrealistic expectations were definitely a large inhibitor to us growing closer. My desire to blame shift, and inability to own my own issues, led me to a great chasm of loneliness and despair in my marriage. It takes two to make or break a relationship, and I was one of these two. I had to own it before I could do anything about it.  Over the ten years of our marriage I blamed my husband, spoke badly about him and complained about him in front of his face and behind his back. I still struggle with this often. I hate confrontation. I never wanted to actually talk with him about how I felt and work through our differences. It has taken ten years to get to a place where we can at least attempt an open and honest line of communication with little judgement.  I can honestly and sincerely say that I credit God and His intervention with my marriage still being here and being a loving place again.

This is what brought me to this honest post today:

My Hub’s sweet words and smart wit brought forward a very important truth: We are striving towards a Zero waste marriage! Let’s not throw out what can be saved, let’s not waste the moments we have together, the love we have been given.
Love. I’m back to this. What is Love? “Baby don’t hurt me..” just kidding!!! It is kind of that though. Our perception of love “Here’s my heart, don’t hurt it!” Reality hits: Love hurts. It hurts to give when you have nothing left. It hurts to choose love when you don’t feel loved. It hurts to offer your heart expecting your own idea of love and receiving another person’s interpretation of what that is. It’s confusing to grow up with the fantasy of romantic love, perfect passion, a partner who knows exactly what you need and only desires to give you that, then you meet a person, fall in love and get married. Life kicks in. This person has a different background, a different idea of what a relationship is, what the ideal partnership is. They love you, you love them, but suddenly that is not enough. The little things you differ in begin to put holes in your romantic happy love.
I was nineteen when I married my Hubs. That is young! I din’t think so. I knew everything. I was nineteen. My goal was to be married at nineteen because my mom was. My parent’s marriage was “Perfect”, in my eyes, of course getting married young means your marriage will be perfect.    HA! Well, now I know;) There is no secret recipe for a perfect marriage except hard work, communication, give, give, give, and be vulnerable when you need to be, and strong when they need you to be.  I think vulnerable is something that I suck at. Honest I can do, open, sure, vulnerable; I HATE IT!!!!! That has been a really tough thing to learn.

Life is interesting, love is a choice, a work of art and sacrifice, and marriage is choosing each other EVERY SINGLE DAY.

There is the Reality. Now a little photo montage of our little family Valentine’s day:

Boy#1 and Hubs wanted to see the new Batman Lego movie tonight. Boy#2 did not and I was impartial. We split up. Boy#2 and I headed to my mother’s house for spaghetti dinner and video games, and Boy#1 and Hubs headed to the movie for a daddy son date. My Mom, Dad, Brother, and Grandfather all live together in the same house. Boy#2 likes visiting my Mom because Funcle Stew resides there. He also likes that Grandma shows love with carbs. “Peeny butter” on bread is always available. Mostly it’s that Funcle Stew has “Bideo” games. For Valentines day I played Mario and watched Paw Patrol It was fantastic. Don’t worry, Hubs and I have plans to celebrate together Friday.  Tonight was pretty amazing. I love my boys.

Well, I’m off to bed my dear readers. Hope you don’t mind my big messy life being painted up here a bit larger than ever before. Well, mess is life. Honesty and raw humanity has worked for me so far. Here is where it sits. Good night.

Cheers!

Court